If I had to write and essay titled "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" it would read like this: I took a roller coaster ride to hell and back. I reached the seventh level of hell and returned relatively intact.
The last of April I took a week long vacation (much needed) to New York City and Montreal. I spent the second anniversary of my husband's death in Montreal eating French food, drinking wine and missing him like hell. Overall, I had a wonderful time travelling alone on planes and trains, using public transportation and talking to strangers. I made friends all over the eastern seaboard. And then I came home to my real life.
A week after I returned home I hit my lowest weight yet. I started to feel happy. Then I started to feel guilty for being happy. I was a widow; I was never supposed to be happy again.
After Jonathan died, I didn't have either the time or the inclination to mourn. I knew he was not healthy. I knew he had a bad heart. I knew we didn't have forever. I stayed rational, shedding tears on occasion, but never really mourning. I stayed numb for two years until I started to feel happy. The floodgates released and I was finally able to be angry with Jon for leaving me. I cried. I bitched. I found a great widow's website and finally started to heal, not of course, until I gained back 13 lbs and was barely able to get into my skinny jeans. I had become irregular and grumpy. I still ate healthy food, just too much of it.
There is nothing harder in this world than getting back on track. I got an announcement about the October Unprocessed Challenge coming up for 2012. It has almost been a year since I started this and it was time to reconfirm. I pledged to go unprocessed again. I thought about waiting until October to start, but I could be back where I started last year by that time! I signed onto my weight loss software again. I hadn't kept track of my food diary since late May. Shit. then I realized I hadn't blogged since April 23, before my vacation. Well, no wonder. First things first; back to keeping track of my food intake. 4 days later I am down 3 lbs. Whew. I'm going to wait another week before trying those jeans again.
I didn't just overeat this summer, no I made big changes in my life. I made progress in other areas which will help with this healthy eating process.
I cleaned out my closets this summer. I donated all the clothes which were too big for me, threw away those which were beyond redemption, sorted through boxes, reorganized, reorganized and reorganized again. I cleared out one entire closet in this little studio.
In addition, I opened up my head, took my brain out and examined it. I disassembled the whole thing, looked at all the pieces, threw a couple worn out pieces away and reassembled it into some semblance of order. I reinstalled with interesting results. I am a new woman. I am more stable, gentler (unless you say something stupid about being a widow) and even happier.
I am back on track.
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